Dear Co-conspirators

I would like to lodge a complaint. Ever since I was admitted to the cabal over a decade ago I have been waiting for my paycheck – but thus far the immense riches I was promised by the Science Illuminati have yet to materialise. If I had known sooner how much money a CEO in a multinational fossil fuel corporation makes, I’d have pursued that truthtelling career instead of pretending that air pollution is bad for your health and blowing unprecedented amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere could have any consequences on the global climate.

I am also still waiting for the keys to the Ivory Tower. The Lords of Big Vaccine explicitly told us at the induction that these would be forthcoming within days of pledging allegiance to “conventional medicine”. Nobody ever died of the measles, smallpox, or polio. When do I finally get to use the mind-control chips in vaccines? Also, when do I get the antidote to the vaccines I was given before I was anointed as a scientific acolyte?

Now that the roll-out of 5G is well underway, I also hope that you will soon put this to some good use instead of simply causing pandemics with it. Rather we should use it to erase the memories of all those witless fools out there before the secret gets out. I have overheard people suggest they should “follow the money” when looking at scientific research. We really don’t want them to find out how deeply involved funding agencies are in how scientists decide what research they do, and how they have been falling all over themselves just to give us money.

Most importantly, I don’t know why I continue to publish articles in peer-reviewed journals. Why do I keep having these mind-numbing battles with Nitpicker #2? As we all know, this isn’t real “research”. The truths about the universe are best discovered through quick Google searches, our elderly relatives’ Facebook posts, and watching random dudes on YouTube. I understand that we need to keep up the illusion of a body of scientific knowledge and therefore we should publish lots of papers. But surely in that case we should make it easier to do so rather than throwing all those obstacles in our paths, like quibbling about statistics or discussing confounds. Is this why you created all those journals that keep emailing me to publish my eminent work in their inaugural issue?

I’ll be awaiting your reply urgently. If I don’t see all those millions of dollars soon, I might start to think that this conspiracy isn’t working out for me, and I might need to go public with what I know. Don’t think you can silence me by forcing me to wear a face mask!

Hallowed be the Chemtrail,